I had been silent for so long that I forgot what was true for me. I learned very young that silence is powerful. It can speak volumes but watch out it may not always be speaking what you meant to say.
My dad was and still is an unconscious master of silence. Now I understand a non-answer to mean "No" because he doesn't know how to say "No". I can't recollect a time he said no, especially to a question I posed.
As the youngest daughter of a financially secretive and pretending to be recovering alcoholic family, I learned that saying "No" was not okay, the truth was in the silence, and that females are better seen than heard.
Just like my dad, I became an unconscious master. I believed I could read between the lines of silence, read people's minds, and get my way with manipulation.
This is the world of a co-dependent child of an alcoholic family system.
Silence became a sign of loneliness and disconnection.
This all sounds so oppressive; however, I think most of us live in a culture that tells us who to be and what is not allowed to be ours. In one way or another; either through omission or restriction we learn what is seen as successful and what we have to do to get it. In this environment, most of us either strive to be accepted by pushing ourselves to be something we never asked ourselves if we truly want or we sit back and believe we will never fit in.
You're probably wondering how this all relates to polyamory. You may be able to relate it to Coming Out... We hear "coming out" and think it means someone is gay or not heterosexually normative. So yes, once I stopped closeting myself and became more social, I had to face what was mirrored back to me. I started to do that in 2014 when I went to swing dance class and socials. The social aspect and risking being bad at swing dance were scary enough, but I think what I was really scared of was who I was on the inside would eventually come out and I would have to own up to it. That is exactly what happened to me. The more I had a social life, got in touch with my body, and started conversing with people, the more I realized how I my differences would be noticed.
When a new friend confessed that she had been in a polyamorous relationship, I thought she must have known I was probably polyamorous as well, or at least I knew I was. I had never heard that word but as she described polyamory, it struck a cord in my soul. I was forever changed and ashamed that I wasn't being the person I knew myself to be. I had always prided myself as an out person who could tell people I was bisexual. I wasn't - I too was lying to myself and everyone else around me. None of my close friends even knew I was bisexual. But now, I realized, I was hiding not just that. I was hiding from myself that I was polyamorous because I didn't even know that was an option for me.
It made me wonder how many other things I didn't know. I wonder how many other people are experiencing this disconnect. Maybe something doesn't feel right but you don't know how to be you in this world.
Polyamory was just a mirror into my soul reflecting back to me some of my core values.
Freedom, Consent, and Authenticity are some of the values that were remembered.
Freedom is a big word. For me, autonomy is one way I define Freedom. At age 35, in 2012, I worked for two businesses that had probably all too familiar practices of diminishing female roles in the workplace, name-calling, bullying, and many other abusive communication styles. I realized I had become a victim of my environment and upbringing. I was to learn how to stand up for myself. Now I am motivated to show others how to do that for themselves.
Coming from a silent family, I had to bust through the training of the past. It is still a struggle today to be loud and out but I know this is the only way to healing. At that time, I chose to move out of the suffocating work environment by slowly creating a business of my own and finding a position where I had more autonomy and flexibility until I could be full-time in my business.
So what I am saying is the freedom to be yourself is key. However one needs to set boundaries around them that will promote conscious consent and know themselves enough to be authentic.
All of these values made me realize that I could only change how I communicated with myself in order to see a new reality reflected back to me. I had to change my mindset and believe, enough, to imagine something different for myself.
That is where I can help anyone who is looking to get to the next place in their life. I will share with you the tools I used and still use to this day to get back to me and bravely strive for the unimaginable.
If you need help or support in finding your authentic self, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I offer workshops and one-on-one coaching to help seekers on their journey. For free resources to help you tap into your authentic voice, sign up by visiting reneebeyor.com/free-resources. Ray Beyor, owner of RAY Life Coaching, provides her clients with resources and practices that clarify their values, set steps toward their purpose, and master confidence while facing fears with patience, compassion, and accountability. Ray’s training in attachment theory, codependency, yoga, meditation, polyamory, consent work, dance, and astrology is used to guide her clients into their authentic and abundant selves. To schedule a free call or learn more, please visit: www.reneebeyor.com.